You're not alone

I'm gonna talk about something that does not get talked about enough; it's the psychological abuse of postdocs, grad students, and techs by their supervisors in academia. It's one of the most important problems that we face in this industry and somehow, it's a taboo topic of conversation and often has a negative connotation. In fact, I am not sure how many people in academia (victims, abusers and bystanders alike) actually see it as a problem. Well, if it's not happening to me, who cares? Or, I can't tell someone how to supervise their people. And best yet, they're just too sensitive.

I'll start by talking about my own experience. I came from a Ph.D. lab that was very supportive. I had a great supervisor (mentor) who was not only a respectable scientist, but a decent human being. He took good care of the people who worked for him. He has a very idealistic outlook about the academic world that he instilled in all of us. I continued in science because of mentors like him. I moved to San Francisco, expecting what my former mentor had always told me: "Your postdoc years will be the best years of your research life. This is when you will get to develop yourself as a scientist, have the freedom to explore your scientific ideas, and not have to worry about managing a lab. A postdoc is science nirvana." Kickass, I thought. I had a very good graduate education, in a place that cared very much about their students. Now, it was time for me to join the big league. I was more than ready. Needless to say, I thought I was invincible. Hardwork and Intensity never deterred me from any situation. (One time when I was down at Louisiana State University to do a very interesting and important experiment, I worked around the clock for 10 days, slept between incubation periods, to get the experiment working, repeated three times to make sure the results were real, and had the results all ready for publication. Normally, this would take a few months and I did it in 10 days; I don't mind working hard.) I was clever, knowledgeable, passionate, with great ideas. I've got all the tools I needed.

I joined a lab that I thought was the perfect environment for me. I was wrong. Details of this experience deserves its own entry, a bottle of wine, and a box of Kleenex. But what I want to talk about is how the abuse affects young scientists. What I absolutely hate is the fact that some supervisors feel that it's PERFECTLY OKAY to use the insecurities that postdocs already have against themselves as a weapon to milk every drop of energy, passion, and creativity from their postdocs. Grad students become postdocs not for the glory or the fame, and God knows, not for the money. They go into it thinking they have the tool set sufficient to explore science and do experiments to answer important questions in biology (or physics, or psychology, etc). Along with this confidence and passion is a lot of insecurity. Everyone around you is now really really smart. You may be working in the same department, or on the same floor, or even in the laboratory of a Nobel Laureate. The graduate students who you now work with side by side are probably even smarter than you are as a postdoc. The insecurity of a postdoc comes from what you think is expected of you: 1) to produce sexy data quickly, efficiently, and worthy of a coveted Nature/Science/Cell publication, 2) to know almost everything, afterall they are paying you the "big bucks" for your research experience and your ideas, 3) And you THINK that you're expected to drop aspects of your personal life to fulfill the life of the research. So as an ultra-overachiever that you naturally are, you beat yourself up and alter your lifestyle so that you can  match these expectations. And when your supervisor uses these exact reasons to push you to work even harder, they end up driving you over the edge. I strongly believe that manipulation cannot be a tool to exploit workers who are in it because of their passion.  But unfortunately, it IS the best weapon if you're going to exploit someone who is there because of their passion.

When I was experiencing this kind of abuse, I thought I was the only one. Which lead to a lot of demeaning self-lectures: put yourself together, stop being such a pussy, you need to work harder, smarter. And a significance increase in self-doubt over basal levels: if this is what it takes to be successful in the big league, I can't do it. Maybe it's because of the high level of research in the bay area...I can't compete with these people. I don't have what it takes. I am not good enough. I don't work hard enough. I don't sacrifice enough. But I cannot mentally or physically work anymore than this. I can't sacrifice anymore than this. I guess that means I can't make it. I won't make it. I don't have what it takes to succeed. Maybe if I just suck it up and stick it out for another year, I will get a publication and get out. I can't throw it all away. I can't be this big of a pussy.

I remember coming home everyday incredibly down on myself and some nights, crying because I didn't think I had what it takes to finish my training to realize my dreams of being a scientist. I thought I was invincible. I thought I could take anything and handle it all. I didn't realize I was so weak, so sensitive.

Well, I was one of the lucky few to get out of my situation and into a new postdoc position. I did it with the help of older faculty members and my mentors (including my Ph.D. advisor). Although in my mind, I knew that this happens sometimes, that sometimes, a certain lab is not a good fit and you just gotta move on. I just didn't know how common it is and how common the abuse is in the realm of academia. During the process, I felt so alone. Why am I in this situation and others are fine? Maybe this whole thing is because of me. This could all be my fault. I am learning now how common these self-deprecating thoughts are in other young scientists like myself. I wasn't alone, but I felt alone because no one else talked about it. Postdocs who are dealing with it don't talk about it because they don't want to make it seem like they're whiny little bitches. They don't want it to get back to their supervisor, who could make their life hell. They are quietly pushing themselves to give MORE so that they can reach those expectations. They promise themselves, in one year, I will publish and get out. And of course, by that point, even though they haven't yet published that paper, they are so pot committed that they will stay longer and bear the abuse. And now when I meet these sad postdocs, I tell them, "you're not alone. Talk to your real mentors, talk to other postdocs. You will feel better knowing that you're not alone. Get someone to help you get out of your situation, and give science another try. Not all supervisors are abusive. Don't let just one crazy person ruin your dreams."

Psychological abuse and manipulation cannot be a criteria to being successful in academia. This behavior cannot be rewarded with success!

Rihanna - Stay