Anxiety

As I get older, the more anxious I've become. About anything and everything. Sometimes, I get mini anxiety attacks and they scare me. What are they triggered by? I don't know, but nothing serious, I assure you. Most of the time, they are very minor things.

At my old job, I would have really bad anxiety attacks when I hear the jingling of keys. It usually meant that my boss was in. My anxiety isn't as bad anymore as back when I was at my old job, but sometimes, it pokes its ugly head into my life and I can't help but want to drop everything and go hide somewhere.

This weekend, I was doing an experiment that requires that my reaction is done over 2 days in a bucket of solution. This bucket has tubes coming in and out of it --bringing in and out solutions from various other buckets --all facilitated by a peristaltic pump. The first time I did a mock experiment like this a couple of months ago, the pump died. Luckily, it was just a mock reaction, with just water, so no major experimental harm was done except that I killed a machine. The second time I did this experiment, I used a different pump, but all the tubings became tangled up and when I came in on Saturday to check on my experiment, I found solutions all over the cold room, and all the buckets on their sides...and sadly, my reactions on the cold room counter. Needless to say, the experiment failed. The third time was another mock reaction, using a different pump, again with water. The pump also died (Note: Pharmacia Peristaltic Pump P-1 cannot withstand 4 degrees Celcius). This weekend was my fourth time trying to use the set up, and the second time doing the actual experiment with my precious reagents. I was anxious all weekend long. I was scared to go in and check on my experiment. My heart was pounding and I was sweating a little periodically on Saturday and Sunday. I was envisioning buckets of solutions all over the cold room, reactions on the counter. Maybe I mixed up the tubings and now my bucket with the reaction is overflowing. Did I forget to turn on the stirring? Maybe the dialysis bag carrying my reactions has a cut and everything is gone.Okay, nothing crazy went wrong. But I will know the results if it worked today.

I had a mini panic attack this morning when I got a text from my mom: "Are you sure you're going home this week? Your brother misses you :( "

Oh, God. Oh, God. Heavy breathing, cold sweat.

I had many small panic attacks yesterday meeting up with my old high school friends who all have at least one kid, married, own their own homes: "When are you guys going to have kids? We're not that young anymore."

Oh, God. Oh, God. Heart pounding. Cheeks flaring. "We don't...talk about it."

"Does he want kids?"

Truth is...I don't know.

When the kids started crying as I tried to pick them up: "They can sense you're not a motherly person! Hahahah!"

My heart skipped a beat, and then started pounding. My breathing stops.Of course I want kids! Of course I want a family! Of course I want to be a mother! Of course I can be motherly!

I just can't get any of it out of my head. I need to focus at work. And all I want to do is crawl into a small space where no one matters, my actions, reactions are independent from everyone in my life, and I can just be.

I need to do something about this crazy anxiety I seem to have developed. And no, I don't think a vacation will help. It will just remind me of all the things I should be doing instead of idly frolicking around.