Every time I think about her, I drink. Or maybe...every time I drink, I think about her. In fact, it reminds me a lot of when I lost the first boy I ever loved at the tender age of 18. Back then, he was my everything. And I absolutely could not deal with the fact that we broke up...not because we didn't love each other (although as I grow older, I realized it's not that he didn't love me, it was because he didn't love me enough), but because of his religious beliefs. I could not accept it. I cried, and acted a fool and stupid. I humiliated myself in multiple occasions in public just to show my disdain. The more I drank, the stupider I became. And unfortunately, I drank each day as I thought about him and experienced the pain all over again as it was the first minute of infliction. Until one day, I realized that the only one I was hurting was myself. He had already moved on. It was only ME I was hurting. It took me years to work through the loss, the disappointment, and the absolute disclosure. 5-6 years to be exact...years which I put someone who loved me very much through a lot of pain all by his lonesome as I worked through these issues in my own head.
The loss and failure of my first postdoc has the same effects on me. The funny thing is, each time, whether it was my first love or my first postdoc, it was my decision to leave. Each time, I left because I knew that I deserved better. That the relationship was toxic to my integrity, that it was making me lose my sense of identity. But ironically, each of these loss made me feel even less sure of who I was.
I hope I will soon regain my sense of self. Hopeful at this age nearing the beginning of my thirties, it won't take me as long as 5 to 6 years to reidentify myself as the loss of my first love over a decade ago. I just want her to stop haunting me in my dreams as he did. All I ask is an opportunity to redefine who I am, and be confident with whatever that outcome may be. All I ask is to stop faulting myself and regain some sort of dignity again. I just really hope this happens much sooner than 6 years from now. Maybe it would help if I stopped drinking so much old vine Zinfanfel.
life always has its up and down. You will alway face many obstacles and challenges and disapointments. But you also have joy and peaceful times. That's life. There is no such thing as a quiet and no worry life (unless u live in a mountain by yourself far away from society). So just take all the problems and joy that come in your life and use them as a lesson learned and move forward. Don't look back. Life is too short for you to spend 5-6 years stucked in your past. It's 2015 now and you are doing great so far, so continue to look forward and you will sure make it big. I strongly believe in you as always !
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